There’s a little method to my laziness in not posting to this blog for a while. Even though the other blogs have picked up in popularity, this is my original personal blog, and I want to keep the hits down. More people read my stuff, so it’s harder to talk about personal events. Besides, I spout a lot of them on the SeoulPodcast.
But this blog is going to go down the more introspective route. For all my flaws and weaknesses, I’ve always been known as a deep ponderer, and thank goodness that technology exists for me to throw down my thoughts in some form before time and alzheimers reclaims them.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices I’ve made in my life and working out the demons. I’m very happy now. But I feel I should have been at this point ten years ago. It’s as if my twenties never existed. As of last October, they might as well have never existed at all. I’ll go ahead and divulge the big secret that’s been the big mindfuck for a while. Despite my discipline in paying child support each month at the expense of our lifestyle being close to college poverty level, my ex-wife somehow found the legal loopholes to get her husband to adopt my children.
Yes, it means I don’t have to pay child support anymore, but that’s a very Pyrrhic victory.
I’ve been able to mentally justify it by saying that the children will track me down one day when they’re adults, and they’ll find out the truth. But since I came here in 2004, I’ve had to amputate a huge chunk of my emotional being in order to maintain my sanity.
I’ve had to become cold.
Officially, now, my past life where I was the proud father of three beautiful and awesome children no longer exists. And those years where I was dutifully giving money to them has slowed down and has possibly jeopardized the family that I have been trying to create the past five years. Eun Jeong and I couldn’t get pregnant because of our financial circumstances before October last year. Now things are financially better, but we’re much older. We know what that means.
I feel like an idiot. A fool. I passively let people like crazy ex-wife screw me over because I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility to do the right thing. But I’m finding more and more that doing the right thing doesn’t always end up with good results. The people who come out on top are the ones who cheat, lie and steal.
The children are ghosts now. They haunt my dreams, but I don’t tell Eun Jeong about it. The only way to keep it from overwhelming me is to just turn my heart cold.
See? I’m really driving away the readers now.
I want to use this section of the site to not only talk about my current life in Korea but to also record anecdotes of past experiences. I find that when I write things down, it’s easier to get perspective, especially when looking at it again from the great distance that time delivers. I personally hate reading self-reflecting sappy “poor me” teenage goth crap, but I’m just going to indulge myself here. I think I’ve earned it.
I wanted to start off by totally making myself vulnerable by listing what I think are my strengths and weaknesses, along with a few truths I know about myself. Writing it out where I can read it can better help me look at myself realistically. I’ll come back to this and update it if the need arises.
Strengths/Things I like about myself
sense of fairness
A.D.D. (good at multitasking)
good at managing
strong spelling and grammar
skilled in media production
skilled in culinary subjects
good at sensing people’s strengths and weaknesses
good at big picture thinking
good bullshit detector
nice looking eyes
laid back (EJ considers this a weakness)
Weaknesses/Things I dislike about myself
* (have some success in changing)
* shyness (these days mostly overcome, but introductions and phone calls are still painful)
* dark vengeful tendencies
lazy in some areas
* passive aggressive
burn out frequently
* alcoholic/addictive tendencies
* A.D.D. (can’t concentrate or stick to one thing)
too emotional in some areas
too cold in some areas
out of shape
* manic depression (extreme highs and lows but have been getting it under control the past 15 years)
give in too easily in arguments… can easily see the other sides of arguments and feel that argument itself is futile
would rather have a small group of close friends than a large network of shallow acquaintances
strong desire to be loved/respected
a bit scarred–trying to really overcome that
aversion to fakeness and pretension
used to be snobbish about music and culture but then broke free and learned to like the high and the low–there is really not as much difference between them as people think
freedom is precious, especially after the boarding school and the jail experiences
strong respect for work and earning one’s reputation
obsessed with death and making my existence significant