This week is my seventh Korea Day. I would have been in Korea for seven years straight. My life has changed so drastically, that I have scant memories of my life before.
Actually, this has been troubling me lately. Is it age or were my 20s and the events leading to my arrival in Korea so traumatic that my mind has blocked them? I miss my kids, and it’s because of that and the way they were stolen from me that I’ve blocked out an entire decade of my life. I have pictures of that period, but I haven’t looked at them in years. Recently, I wanted to look at them to reawaken my memory, but I can’t find them.
Poor Jian.
I’m relying on that poor girl to heal some festering wounds. I feel so attached to her already. I also spend as much time as I can with her. I’ve also noticed that my patience is more plentiful. I think that’s because I’m in a much less stressful situation. I’m not struggling with school, unstable jobs and unrelenting bills. Most everything’s stabilized in my life and is thriving. I updated our bankbooks today and realized that I have more money sitting in my bank account than I’ve ever had in my life–by far. Combine that with my American bank and PayPal balances, and I have plenty of cushion. I also have no desire to spend it–which is a change.
But it’s been weird with Jian. I expected–and EJ expected–that I would know more about taking care of a baby. But it looks like I’ve forgotten a lot. That’s what started my realization and my look for the pictures. Why can’t I remember those years?
I’m enjoying parenthood so much this time around. My feelings are so complex. If something is upsetting me regarding her I get way more emotional than I should. It hits me like an avalanche. Not anger. Sadness. I feel no more anger. That decade was just a movie. There are just flashes of moments.