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The biggest holiday in Korea is basically here. Do you have your SPAMâ„¢ gift set yet?

No?

Well, here at ZenKimchi Chuseok Central, we have all the latest deals clipped from the newspapers — just for you!

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Take advantage of this now. Since it occurs on the same week as that other holiday we always confuse with other holidays (Independence Day, Constitution Day, Liberation Day, Constipation Day), you get two weekends, plus a Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday off. Yes, you may have to work on Monday and Wednesday, but think of it this way — if you count the previous Friday, you get THREE FRIDAYS!!

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And you know what three Fridays means? No, put down that soju bottle. It’s time to shop!

First off, you need some fruit. And see the pretty packaging? That means freshness! Seng, seng!

43,000 won (~$43) for 13 apples is a bargain, especially if you take note of the beautiful packaging! And they’re from Korea, so you know they’re superior!

Oh, your father does not like fruit? How about this gift set of beef galbi.

At 148,000 won (~$148), it’s a steal!

Cutting back on the red meat, you say? Well, you can’t go wrong with a gorgeous package of dried fish.

Look how neatly they fit together. And the plastic yellow rope strung around them? That means quality. Just read the hangeul right there. ë² ìŠ¤íŠ¸ Gift. It’s the Beh-suh-tuh — I mean, Best Gift!

Have a friend who loves his Best Gift fish but has undesirable side effects from his pescous intake?

Nothing says, “I love you, but you smell bad,” more than a gift set of toothpaste and soap! And remember, if it is packaged symmetrically, it is quality toothpaste and soap. Give your stinky friend this gift with a smile. He will definitely have a Rice Day.

So, you gave your mother a coffee pot and fresh bean coffee for Christmas last year. Has she used it? Yes, she says, but the coffee doesn’t taste right.

Of course not! This is Korea. We drink our coffee instant and have been since 1954. Oma is a sophisticated lady, so she needs sophisticated coffee.

Maxim Original and Maxim Mild, for when you want the half-spoonful experience with a spoonful. And the Prima (프리마)? It’s white and you put it in your coffee. Tell her that she’ll love it. It’s in a pretty red box. It’s good.

Oh, you forgot to give something to your son’s English teacher? Do foreigners celebrate Chuseok?

Of course not! Don’t be silly! Only the most civilized of ancient cultures honors their ancestors with breathtaking gift sets of SPAMâ„¢.

Nonetheless, foreigners need socks. They’re so silly, they think that Chuseok means “Two Socks.”

Foreign English teachers. What would we do without them?

Now that it is finished, you can go visit your family for Chuseok.

What? You say that you waited too late to get a bus ticket to Graepupeon?

Console yourself with the Chuseok bachelor’s survival kit. A five-pack of ramyeon and a case of Cassâ„¢ Beer.

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